I was goofing off with my tarot deck. What did those cards have to "say" about my travel ideas that everyone else says will get me killed, I wondered. They basically said that my plans would get me killed or that I'd run into a good amount of trouble, and it would all be due to my poor decision-making. Bastard cards, who asked them anyway? (me...) They also told me I've got romance in the near future. Ha...Funny. I've got a sarcastic deck or something.
My brother-in-law is trying to get me a job at the hospital again since a few people have quit and they're desperate. Well, if they're desperate then maybe I actually stand a chance. Have I ever mentioned that I've got a terrible work record? I've spent most of my life in school, part of it in the military, and the rest of my time just wandering aimlessly around the country. (like I want to do again, but not if all these opportunities are arising.)
So I'm putting off my plans for travel until I find out the results of this job and whatever is going on with my re-enlistment into the military (waiting on some info so I can begin processing). Between the two, I'd rather join the military. But between those two and wandering, I'd rather wander.
I'm not going to hold off on traveling just because some cards, by the way. That just cracks me up.
It's too early in the morning to deal with feeling bad. But I do feel bad. I feel like shit, and it's keeping me up.
I'm starting to calm down. That shouldn't be a problem, but it is. I've been venting here, talking more about certain things that have gone on in my life, and it should be a great help. I've been venting more around the people in my life as well. They're sick to death of hearing it. Ha...I'm sick to death of living it...Except that, sick as it is, I need it.
When my anger starts to fade, know what's left? I'm fucking hurting. I'm up later at night and awake earlier in the mornings, and I just lay here thinking about things. Instead of filling me with my now-comfortable rage, it's starting to just make me sad. I'm not fighting to hold back tears or anything, but there's this weird feeling like a cavity in my heart. I'm trying not to poke at it...or eat on that side...
I'd rather be angry. This feeling now is my least favorite. I feel weak and alone. Hell, I am weak and alone. Or maybe not weak; but I am ineffectual. That might be worse. I'm in a funk, but my whole life might have been a funk.
I'm tired of trying to cheer myself up and motivate myself. I hate these moments when I want to lay my head down and cry, curl up and cry. I don't like how my thought process is lately. I know that I'll get over it. I always do. "I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not. I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got..." Ha. I do know how ridiculous I can be. There are worse things in life, after all.
I pay rent, so why shouldn't I have my own area of a house instead of crashing in living rooms all the time? My sister and her family, drama roomie, and I are all moving to a new house and I finally get a room. Good. I've spent way too long on couches (or on mattresses on floors) in other people's homes (I've always paid them, though) and I'm glad for my own little section for once. Well, I guess I'll still be sleeping on the floor until I can move my bed and some other furniture from Vegas, but at least I get some privacy.
*****The place I get in the house is this ba
I feel kind of alone lately. I've been hanging around with zombies, but that's getting really old.
I think it's trying to break out of my ribs. Can coughing cause you to pull a muscle? At first, I thought part of my lung must have collapsed like my sister's had, but even though the pain was intense, I could still breathe. So it can't be that. I can't see a doctor until next week but I've had this cough for three weeks already. I hate being sick. I just want to go about my life without my body reminding me of its aging and issues. I never used to be sick for more than a couple of days. I do blame age. My weakening immune system due to age and the stupidity of my youth. I can't even yell at people in my road rage moments anymore. And more whine whine whining and cough cough whining....I just want to breathe without any pain!
- This site just pisses me off.
- People in person piss me off.
- I think I need to just chill out or log out.
- I need to just walk away.
- I don't really know what I want or need.
I don't really know why, but I just feel pissed off today. It has nothing to do with what day it is. I don't recall anything happening to provoke the feeling; I'm just angry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to sleep it off, but I'm not tired enough. I don't know.
When your friend has a problem with someone, do you find yourself speaking ill of that person just to make them feel better? You're not helping that person and you probably don't really know what you're talking about. Friends of mine do that, others have done that for their friends while saying all kinds of nasty crap about me or my friends without even knowing us, and I've done that for friends. Then, I stop and think on it. I don't know that person. Why should I say she's just a dumb bitch or that she's jealous or threatened? She's likely not (I know I'm not). Lately, this just bothers me.
Right now I feel flooded with memories I don't want to have. Do you ever feel attacked by series of them? It's as though remembering one unpleasant event in your life opens the door for the rest of them to come tumbling down on your head. They're over and done with and there is no point reliving them, but I can't shut them out and just relax.
How the hell do you get rid of beliefs you don't want to have? If what I believe in makes no sense, why can't I just stop believing? How dumb. I do not want to believe in something which I see as proven wrong. What does this make me? Brainwashed? How do you undo that?
The "do you think I'm attractive" or "am I ugly" questions. They just bother me, especially when someone doesn't try to reassure them that they look good, and the person who asked then turns nasty. They're really not attractive then, are they?
This video cracks me up. I love this guy's little social experiments. And it is weird when someone asks that offline (it's awkward enough online). I like what the last guy says. "What does that matter? How do you feel? It doesn't matter what I think; it matters what you think."
Write. That's stupid. Delete.
Rewrite. Seems flat.
Just fucking do it. Why does it bother me? What happened to "loving to face fears"? Write. Send...
What the hell am I doing? Too late. Sent. Have a beer and get over it, I guess.
Could I just lay my head down for a little while and forget everything? Someone else keep watch for once. Don't let me get stepped on.
Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just feel an itch to argue with someone. Yesterday was not one of those days. It was more like I felt the need to set my instructor straight about his attitude towards me. I didn't appreciate it. Well, he didn't appreciate what I had to say either, and so we argued. Now we're stuck dealing with one another just about every day for a year. I'm really looking forward to today. Great way to start the new quarter! -sarcasm-
I do appreciate enemies, but not one who's also supposed to be training me to do a job. Come to think of it, in the last job I had, I got into it with the chick who was supposed to be training me to do the job. If there's a pattern, maybe that means the problem is me. When I think I'm calling someone out for how I think they're wronging me, it very well could be that I'm just looking for a fight whether I really want one or not. That's just dumb. I'm going to have to think on this some more. I'd just like this day to be over with so I can think this over in peace and sleep it off.
Only in hindsight do I realize how bad some of the things that I say seem. I'm starting to figure that everyone else has dirtier minds. Whatever. I adore Natalie. I'd stand under her umbrella. (I did that one on purpose)
I like that question right before you click post, that asks if "this blog entry contain[s] content inapppropriate for children under 18":
1. Because they really did misspell inappropriate, and
2. Because I learned how to be inappropriate back when I was in junior high school, you know, way before I was 18.
Going through my belongings, reminiscing when I see a familiar item I'd kept because I knew it was one of those things that would remind me of those good times, I think about the items I hadn't kept. I think about those old letters, coins, tickets, and even clothes that I just tossed away somewhere and can't find right now. God, even my old Myspace account had an inbox full of memories, but I deleted that account to forget about a falling out with a friend. What good did that do? It left me remembering the falling out without being able to look back on the good times, the funny conversations with my old friends. I don't just want the bad memories. I want to reinforce the good ones. But, caught up in the moment, we don't always know what to keep and what to throw away. Only in hindsight does anyone know what material crap will matter.
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Previous PostsCards, posted July 30th, 2013
Ouch, posted July 11th, 2013
A place to live, posted June 4th, 2013
Is there life out there?, posted June 1st, 2013
Ugh! My lung!, posted March 20th, 2013, 2 comments
Sometimes, posted February 25th, 2013, 1 comment
Valentines Day, posted February 14th, 2013, 2 comments
Friend flaws, posted January 26th, 2013
Memories, posted January 24th, 2013, 2 comments
Faith, posted January 10th, 2013
I hate that question, posted October 20th, 2012
What the hell is wrong with me? D:, posted October 7th, 2012
I'm beat, posted September 12th, 2012, 1 comment
Confrontation, posted July 17th, 2012
Yeah, I can be creepy too, posted June 11th, 2012, 4 comments
Inappropriate content?, posted June 8th, 2012
Boxes of memories, posted November 8th, 2011
I bet her boobs are fake, posted July 20th, 2011, 1 comment
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