sinaname's Blog

I think it's trying to break out of my ribs. Can coughing cause you to pull a muscle? At first, I thought part of my lung must have collapsed like my sister's had, but even though the pain was intense, I could still breathe. So it can't be that. I can't see a doctor until next week but I've had this cough for three weeks already. I hate being sick. I just want to go about my life without my body reminding me of its aging and issues. I never used to be sick for more than a couple of days. I do blame age. My weakening immune system due to age and the stupidity of my youth. I can't even yell at people in my road rage moments anymore. And more whine whine whining and cough cough whining....I just want to breathe without any pain!

- This site just pisses me off. 
- People in person piss me off.
- I think I need to just chill out or log out.
- I need to just walk away.
- I don't really know what I want or need.

I don't really know why, but I just feel pissed off today. It has nothing to do with what day it is. I don't recall anything happening to provoke the feeling; I'm just angry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to sleep it off, but I'm not tired enough. I don't know.

When your friend has a problem with someone, do you find yourself speaking ill of that person just to make them feel better? You're not helping that person and you probably don't really know what you're talking about. Friends of mine do that, others have done that for their friends while saying all kinds of nasty crap about me or my friends without even knowing us, and I've done that for friends. Then, I stop and think on it. I don't know that person. Why should I say she's just a dumb bitch or that she's jealous or threatened? She's likely not (I know I'm not). Lately, this just bothers me. 

Right now I feel flooded with memories I don't want to have. Do you ever feel attacked by series of them? It's as though remembering one unpleasant event in your life opens the door for the rest of them to come tumbling down on your head. They're over and done with and there is no point reliving them, but I can't shut them out and just relax.

How the hell do you get rid of beliefs you don't want to have? If what I believe in makes no sense, why can't I just stop believing? How dumb. I do not want to believe in something which I see as proven wrong. What does this make me? Brainwashed? How do you undo that?

The "do you think I'm attractive" or "am I ugly" questions. They just bother me, especially when someone doesn't try to reassure them that they look good, and the person who asked then turns nasty. They're really not attractive then, are they? 
 

This video cracks me up. I love this guy's little social experiments. And it is weird when someone asks that offline (it's awkward enough online). I like what the last guy says. "What does that matter? How do you feel? It doesn't matter what I think; it matters what you think."

Write.
Delete.
Write. That's stupid. Delete. 
Rewrite. Seems flat.
Delete? Um...Sen--Delete. 
Damn. Write?
Just fucking do it. Why does it bother me? What happened to "loving to face fears"? Write. Send...
What the hell am I doing? Too late. Sent. Have a beer and get over it, I guess.

Could I just lay my head down for a little while and forget everything? Someone else keep watch for once. Don't let me get stepped on.

Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just feel an itch to argue with someone. Yesterday was not one of those days. It was more like I felt the need to set my instructor straight about his attitude towards me. I didn't appreciate it. Well, he didn't appreciate what I had to say either, and so we argued. Now we're stuck dealing with one another just about every day for a year. I'm really looking forward to today. Great way to start the new quarter! -sarcasm- 
I do appreciate enemies, but not one who's also supposed to be training me to do a job. Come to think of it, in the last job I had, I got into it with the chick who was supposed to be training me to do the job. If there's a pattern, maybe that means the problem is me. When I think I'm calling someone out for how I think they're wronging me, it very well could be that I'm just looking for a fight whether I really want one or not. That's just dumb. I'm going to have to think on this some more. I'd just like this day to be over with so I can think this over in peace and sleep it off.

Only in hindsight do I realize how bad some of the things that I say seem. I'm starting to figure that everyone else has dirtier minds. Whatever. I adore Natalie. I'd stand under her umbrella. (I did that one on purpose)

 

I like that question right before you click post, that asks if "this blog entry contain[s] content inapppropriate for children under 18":
1. Because they really did misspell inappropriate, and
2. Because I learned how to be inappropriate back when I was in junior high school, you know, way before I was 18.

Going through my belongings, reminiscing when I see a familiar item I'd kept because I knew it was one of those things that would remind me of those good times, I think about the items I hadn't kept. I think about those old letters, coins, tickets, and even clothes that I just tossed away somewhere and can't find right now. God, even my old Myspace account had an inbox full of memories, but I deleted that account to forget about a falling out with a friend. What good did that do? It left me remembering the falling out without being able to look back on the good times, the funny conversations with my old friends. I don't just want the bad memories. I want to reinforce the good ones. But, caught up in the moment, we don't always know what to keep and what to throw away. Only in hindsight does anyone know what material crap will matter.